Difficult Christmas

First, wishing friends a merry Christmas  and Happy  Holidays. That said, I have to say that I am really  struggling  this holiday season.

I think part of  the  issue is that being autistic  at Christmas  is painful. All the things that hurt are amplified.  The noises are louder, the lights are brighter and the crowds of totally uncaring  people  are just plain overwhelming. The  noise and chaos  is simply unbearable! It seems like so many Christmas  songs have high pitched squeeky parts. And the volume goes up from horrible to unbearable. People  forget what manners are. They shout at me to hurry up  or get out of their way  when I  am  simply trying to  pay for my groceries or find something  on a shelf in a store. For some  reason  it seems like items are moved from thir usual  locations. At Christmas  it is just so  much easier  to  get lost in space. Literally. As innot being sure where I am in relation to  my surroundings.

Then there is the depression.  I always get this at Christmas.  I  do sometimes wonder if  that is part of my autism  too. No one has ever bothered trying  to  explain  it  to  me. This year it is  slightly different.  I  am  still mourning Angela.  Her death hit me hard. And since her final wish was Christmas,  we did that. In November.  It  sort of tainted  the holiday  season  for me.

Finally,  there is all the fake cheer I am  supposed to  have.  Sorry.  This year I just can’t  manage it. I have tried.  But it is very difficult  to  say I  am  great with a smile, when i really want to say leave me alone  so I can cry. Which is  a  HUGE no-no. You can’t  mourn in December.  You have to be MERRY. Or else!

I just wish  that people  would respect that for some  peaple Christmas  sucks!

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