First, wishing friends a merry Christmas and Happy Holidays. That said, I have to say that I am really struggling this holiday season.
I think part of the issue is that being autistic at Christmas is painful. All the things that hurt are amplified. The noises are louder, the lights are brighter and the crowds of totally uncaring people are just plain overwhelming. The noise and chaos is simply unbearable! It seems like so many Christmas songs have high pitched squeeky parts. And the volume goes up from horrible to unbearable. People forget what manners are. They shout at me to hurry up or get out of their way when I am simply trying to pay for my groceries or find something on a shelf in a store. For some reason it seems like items are moved from thir usual locations. At Christmas it is just so much easier to get lost in space. Literally. As innot being sure where I am in relation to my surroundings.
Then there is the depression. I always get this at Christmas. I do sometimes wonder if that is part of my autism too. No one has ever bothered trying to explain it to me. This year it is slightly different. I am still mourning Angela. Her death hit me hard. And since her final wish was Christmas, we did that. In November. It sort of tainted the holiday season for me.
Finally, there is all the fake cheer I am supposed to have. Sorry. This year I just can’t manage it. I have tried. But it is very difficult to say I am great with a smile, when i really want to say leave me alone so I can cry. Which is a HUGE no-no. You can’t mourn in December. You have to be MERRY. Or else!
I just wish that people would respect that for some peaple Christmas sucks!